Sunday, 6 September 2009

Facebook - Popularity Contest?

I’ll explain how Facebook works in the most honest terms you’ll come across:

-You sign up for an account. You put in some rubbish quotes and little blurbs about yourself, like you were making a singles ad. You are in a way, because you’re about to sell yourself out to the lowest bidder.

-You include pictures of yourself. You only pick the “best” ones. You also include every single picture you’ve ever appeared in, just to show strangers how outgoing you are. Girls will show off their bodies, and guys will show off their cars and the girls who just made a profile. They know you. They went to school with you. They own the right to be in the same picture as you, because they are popular.

-You include every aspect of your personal and professional life on the profile. Your schools, where you work, your relatives, address, phone number – anything you would be terrified of if someone got a hold of. Don’t be afraid though, this is the Internet! No bad people on the Internet to abuse the system, ever.

-You start looking up your friends. You know, those people who sometimes call your name if you’re in viewing range. Once you see their Facebook profile, you add their friends, because hay– you’re FRIENDS too.

-You look up the definition of the word ‘friend’ and realise you are so very bloody wrong

-You start to join the ‘clubs’ or groups of people with similar interests. No need to look hard though, there’s a group for everything. You can even make your own.

-Your friend writes on your “wall.” They say something meaningful like “OMG I haven’t seen you in ages! We gotta hang out soon!” Weird, eh? Last time I checked I hung out with my friends all the time. In fact, we were having so much fun hanging out that we forgot to not see each other in ages.

-This little light bulb goes off in your head about every person you’ve ever met. Is my ex-boyfriend on Facebook? How about that boy that assaulted me? How about the bullys at school. Wow, they’re all here! I can’t wait for them to know my every waking moment thanks to my friends writing on my wall about every breath I take.
-You start adding everyone, ever. You try to complete your entire high school by clicking every piece of blue text imaginable. You feel so liberated when that bully that beat you up apologises 9 years too late. It’s so easy to apologise over the Internet than it is to be a real person and do it in person with some heart and soul.

-You begin to electronically stalk your friends and people you hate. You can’t stop checking their profile on a daily basis. You start to feel nauseous when you’re waiting for their weekend pictures to be posted on Monday. You get butterflies when you start to see their innermost personal life displayed for all to see. You don’t notice you’re a victim too, since there’s no way to track who’s looking at yours.

-You can’t sleep at night until you check every profile ever. You start to get a slight buzz when you find out that your worst enemy hurt themselves while on vacation. You get chills down your spine when you hear the pity in their writing and you like it.

-You start to use Facebook wall writing as a substitute for email. You write very personal plans and thoughts to your ‘friends.’ Funny, if you wrote any of that stuff in an email and someone read it, you’d be mortified and feel violated. You equate wall writing to leaving “voicemail”. Since everyone else is addicted to Facebook, of course they’re going to see it in minutes.

-You don’t remember the last time you spoke to a friend on the phone. Why bother? Facebook is 24/7 free and no long distance. Voice? What’s that? You can hear their voice in their pictures of them holding their drinks. You can, can’t you…?

-You start using Facebook as a filtering service for your entire life. You start to judge people’s worth based on their profile. How many books they have read? What do they listen to? Is their life quote deep or just funny? Does it change every day? Oh my god, this person likes dogs too! Must be a great person…!

-You start to wonder who’s watching your profile. You make changes to your profile to appeal to everyone alive. You become a generic version of yourself. You’re afraid to express yourself because maybe…JUST maybe the love of your life will hate you because you don’t like dogs. You now love dogs. You love everything. Everything you hate is now “all right!” and everything you love is now “cool.” Spread yourself thin, because that’s the way to bring people closer to you.

-You notice that Cindy has 137 friends. You’re a few short of that number, so you start adding your cousin’s school friends. Seems logical, seeing as you’re both alive and on the same planet

-You run into someone you 'Facebook with' in real life. They start to tell you about their life and events, but you already know everything. Who needs human contact and conversation anyway? Seems useless, you can barely listen to mp3s while talking at a bar. That Gwen Stefani’s not gonna listen to itself, you know. This person you barely know is now congratulating you on your new job. Seems totally appropriate, seeing as they don’t know what flipping colour your eyes are, or, you know, anything else.

-You read something on some website that says that if you spent as much time on Wikipedia as you did on Facebook, you’d be one of the most knowledgeable people alive and actually contribute to society

-Your attraction to the opposite sex quadruples. Guys that have no personal skills are now chatting you up on Facebook. They’ve seen you drunk in pictures and now they want to be beside you. You love the attention and check your profile every chance you get. You have just found the ultimate dating service – the kind that violates every privacy act and human rights issue known to man.

-You don’t remember that last time you used MSN Messenger thanks to Facebook. You always login on invisible mode, so you don’t have to talk to anyone. You decided that MSN is just a great address book for people you hate. You read somewhere that you should delete people you don’t talk to, but then the list would be 4 people long! The horror! There’s no need to address your insecurities about your social life, really.

-You start to believe your own Facebook profile. You become more fake and more ‘fake outgoing.’ You change your little status message to alert everyone about your Cuba vacation and any every flipping minutia imaginable. The best part is that since anyone can read this, thieves know what you’re up to and break into your house without incident. The insurance company laughs at you and calls you an idiot. I am not far behind.

-You die, finally. No one notices because you weren’t there to post that as your status message. The end.

I didn't write this but I wish I did ( Don't get me wrong some people use facebook in the correct way and that is fine but there really is a problem out there of people who are obsessed with it! My husband runs an IT company and the amount of companies that are checking their records and realising how much time employees are spending on Facebook is quite shocking! Not suprisingly they are pretty much ALL requesting to block it.

And what is it with all the girls doing 'peace poses with fish lips' or 'biting the thumb poses' on drunken nights out, I really worry for my little girl growing up in this crazy facebook world!

x WADs x


  1. Umm I now don't want to admit to my Farmville addiction! Thanks for following my blog, going to follow yours now, it looks fab! Oh and I love your daughter's name, very pretty x

  2. haha, I don't think that addiction is too harmful :)

    Aww thanks about the name, took us AGES to pick it x

  3. Thank goodness somone else admited the farmville addiction first!

  4. That post is soooo true!!! I am a recovering face book it's blog ;/

  5. Yummy Mummy - Thanks

    Pippa - I think there are a lot of people that need to stand up and say My Name is...and I am addictd to Farmville :)

    Widge - Same here :)

  6. Brilliant! I Totally agree, thank gawd for twitter, if face book were a street it would be the wrong end of town in my opinion!