I set up this blog without a single thought of it 'growing'. It was solely a way to document the first years of my daughters life and to write about those precious times. I completely disregarded the fact that people (other than family and friends) could read it.
But alas, it did grow, and some amazing/unusual opportunities came with it.
Since Boo came bounding into our life I haven't put aside much time to blog. There have been ample opportunities (I have over 30 draft posts half written) my 30th, holidays, moving house, new schools, milestones etc etc. Everyday has been filled with some activity and every evening has been spent having quality time with the family or working on my business. This blog has become an old hobby that I just pick up whenever I fancy it. Which is what it should be some would say.
Tonight I was going to pop on some pictures. Hubby has just left for his martial arts class, both kids are in the land of nod and I am sitting down with a cup of tea and the tv on in the background.
I wasn't able to do it.
Images of the people, specifically children, affected by the chemical weapons attack in Damascus brought me to tears. All of a sudden posting some pictures of my pretty little life seemed an almost nasty thing to do. Hell, me crying feels like a self indulgent thing to do so blogging certainly does!
This is nothing new.
I have been battling with this for years. I think about the hundreds of children that have been killed in Afghanistan and the poor mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers around the world who don't even have a meal to look forward to. How insignificant would a bloody "mummy blog" or "parenting blog" (for those who care to debate the difference) be to them?
I know my intentions are good and I know this blog is for me, my little memory book and my creative side manifesting itself. I also know I have made some 'real life' friends through the blogging community but I also can't shake the guilt I feel when I post.
This does NOT mean I am judging anyone else, this is simply about me and my guilt. It is the same reason I don't drink. I have lots of very close friends and family who drink, they have amazing hearts. Our lives are very personal journeys.
I tell myself I am helping other mum's...Not on any significant scale! There is a ton of information out there on weaning, breastfeeding and what products to buy for our privileged children.
I tell myself I am creating a lovely memory book for my children...Perhaps yes...but I want them to grow up knowing what suffering there is in this world, what injustice there is. Pretty pictures of their life on a blog isn't going to help that is it!?
I tell myself I will carry on, with the intention of turning this into something good, beneficial. I will post more about current affairs and I will do more charity posts.
So here I am again, not wanting to post anything to my blog and wanting to help others in this world but not knowing where to start. We give Zakat each year and I am blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who are very aware of what goes on in this world and the politics behind it and so I give money accordingly. Mummy's Shoes seems to contradict the deep me, the growing me.
As Belle is getting older (4 going on 14) I also worry about her and the whole social media world. I see the dangers and it scares me. I have to lead by example. I spend so much time reading and trying to be a good mother and endeavor to bring up a strong, confident, compassionate and patient girl. I try to never raise my voice and I take time to listen and answer her questions, so naturally I question the affect of my "blogging".
So...where to from here?